OnSanity

family self portrait January 2012

2012-01-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

fits my current mood.

to find out what this is about go here.

to see other months go to the links below.

December

dance of the Hippo. on ageing disgracefully

2012-01-26T08:42:00.000-05:00

I know I should probably feel proud, but in all honesty, I can’t even bring myself to look at my reflectionin the mirror.

After more than 20 years, (you do the math,) I’vegone back to taking modern dance lessons.

The last time I saw myself reflected on themirror attempting to follow a choreography I was over 20 years younger,prettier, thinner, stronger... After class #1 all I wanted to do was bury myself in denial and alcohol, but the doctor won't let me have any alcohol (more on that later), and without it denial seems highly ineffective.

The teacher is young and pretty. Skinny and regal as the bare trees in winter. Hell, the woman has a British accent for gawd's sake.

It's an adult's class so most are youngish girls, you know, early thirties. A couple are on my boat, you know, the one that already sailed. And there we are, strutting our stuff (more like jiggling it really).

...and all Icould think about was Disney’s dancing hippos on the movie Fantasia....

Therewas a little part of me during class #2 that started getting into the groove. My body no longer felt like a strangers or like it had been kept in ice. My arms responded and my legs were somewhat willing to lift me from the floor without me having to get on all fours. I was able to let it go a little and blend with the music… I even dared to go as far as peeking into the mirror,and there I was, a proud dancing hippo.

I know I should probably feel proud. I know it is good for the mind to keep trying new things, healthy to challenge your body in new ways, but what can I say, it's sh*t for my self esteem, and it's making me aware of how OLD I am in a very undeniable way.

dry snow- photo post

2012-01-23T09:08:00.001-05:00

from my Ethiopia series... some times you have to focus on the little things

on winter - photo post

2012-01-20T11:38:00.001-05:00

I think we should just hibernate in winter. My heart agrees...

Day 30: one word for 2012

2012-01-19T02:30:00.000-05:00

(still catching up with my December Challenge prompts)

Day 30: one word: You told us what your one word for 2011 was, now, when we meet

again one year from now, what would you like your 2012 word to be?

there is this picture in my new yoga place. I don't know who this person is, but I find her expression inspiring. She looks happy and at peace with herself. Kind. Present. Like someone who has followed her heart into a a good place. She looks honest and transparent. Gentle yet strong. You can tell she is not where the tides took her, but where she chose to be. She was -is- not scared to follow her path, she is not frightened of her choices. She is content. She doesn't question so much, just is.

I want my 2012 to be like this

on writing without a muse

2012-01-16T01:00:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to visit an angel. Itook a train all the way to Babylon, then I boarded a taxi which took me to herdoor step.

With her fragile smile of one hundredyears, translucent skin and thin white hair she spoke:

“enjoy your writing, enjoy your kids, enjoy what you have and who you are becausethis is it. This is what you will accomplish”

She said this while slowly pouring hot tea into mycup.

***

Life’s a funny old thing. It never occurredto me that I too would be but one more. That I would never be but mediocre,nothing but average.

It never does. We all expect to be specialwhen really, average means just that, it is where most of us should expect tofind ourselves.

***

so I should expect no shimmer or shine, justskin drying and lines growing deeper until I part ways with myself anddisappear.

Tears will be shed, but no poems will bewritten to commemorate me. The day will pass to the world unannounced. The newswill continue without the mention of my name, and I can’t help but wonder if when I look into the mirror I too will be able to feel proud of what Idid with my time.

I will write once again. I will continue to write pages that will go unread, spendingpaper that will turn to dust instead of pixie magic. We continue to write because that is the onlytruth we know, and so that in our death beads we may at least say that wetried. That we searched for our muse and it was she, not us, who failed you.

***

Hope tiptoes to hide under the bed as I write this,fearful of the look in my eyes, while depression lies on the bed smiling,waiting for me to join her. Perseverance is silent. She’s seen me here before,but not quite here, not this far along.

And then hope whispers:

“we are running out of time”

And I look at her, tired, and somewhat defeated respond:

“I know”

Here come the girl scouts… finally (a book review)

2012-01-14T00:39:00.000-05:00

What can I say,it’s just refreshing. I’m up to my ears with pink and princesses, and they areall white and blonde, they all wantto find their prince and get married, and as much as I enjoy watching my littlemonkey dress up and kiss imaginary frogs, couldn’t we mix it up a bit?

My princessmonkey, as we like to call her, is strong and agile. So strong she has onoccasion left older boys who wanted to play rough crying. She is strong, andlean, and coordinated. She can climb what most kids her age can’t, and she’lldo it in shiny shiny leggings with a few bangles too, thank you very much. Andthat is fine. That is fun, but, where are the books that talk about that? Where are the books that talk about herand her potential, her strengths? Whereare her role models? Where are the books that incite her to climb and beoutdoors? To learn how to get the skin offa sardine for her prince.

When Shana sent me a preview to her book Iwas doubtful. I’d heard great things about her and her work, but the idea ofnon-fiction books for kids seemed a bit ambitious. Ok, so I was ignorant and naïve,sue me. She had me at “Daisy was a girl with gumption” which, just so you know, is page one.

The book is funto read, which is already a plus for those of us who are forced to read thesestories over and over again. It is educational, and I’m not talking about themonkey here, I knew nothing about the girl scouts other than –you guessed it-they sell cookies. First thing I did when I was done reading was look up thenearest girl scout group in the hope that I could get the monkey to join. Butthe most important for me is that it is inspirational. I want my girl to read over and overagain that “girlscan do anything”. And I don't mind my son hearing it too. That youcan combine your passions, that you can rebel against convention and expectations, against what society dictates women should or should not do, should or should not want, to come upwith something entirely new. And then see that this figment of Daisy's imagination is stillstanding 100 years later.

The illustrationsare joyous, colourful and modern, filled with affirmative and positive messages waiting to be discovered togetherwith your child (you know, the eleven hundredth time you read it). And for themore ambitious, a little bio in the back will provide further details.

Over all, can’twait to get it, and no, thispost is not sponsored, I’m just hoping it does well so publishers get themessage. Pass it on sisters.

About the author and illustrator:

Shana Corey grew up in the South and writes picturebooks about brave women and girls in history, like Amelia Bloomer and JulietteGordon Low. Oh yeah, she is also al children book editor at Random House, and is apparently available for school readings (mental note: follow that up).

She lives with her family in Brooklyn, New York,

Hadley Hooper isan editorial artist whose work appears regularly in The New York Times. HereCome the Girl Scouts is her first picture book (but will not be her last I tellya).

She lives inDenver, Colorado. No idea who with.

savour every first sip....

2012-01-12T01:00:00.000-05:00

This post was inspired by my e-friend "that's Mrs Mediocrity to you" and was part of the reverb11 total anarchy that took place last year.

Her prompt was: Write a letter to yourself about how you would like your life to be different at this time next year" and she started with "dear me.... " and went on to finish the post with "savour every first sip" (with a beautiful photo).

Brilliant, brief and to the point. Most inspiring. So here is my go. I invite you all to play along, even if it is only in your head.

Dear me...

Remember to breath, slowly. To fill your lungs and hold on to thatfeeling of being alive, and that of letting go, just as important.

Remember to laugh, to savor the moment, especially the inconsequentialones. The ones that take place in-between.

Don't let the urgent things get in the way of what's important or yourlife will slip by running from one emergency to the next.

Eat well and sleep well. It might seem likeyou are wasting perfectly good time, but it will make the time that you do haveso much better.

Clear both your home and your heart of unnecessary crap.

Kiss your husband in the morning and when he comes home in the evening.

Don't forget to be kind with those whose love you take for granted, andover whose love your entire castle rests on.

With the kids, choose your battles, let the little thingsslide.
Let your love be a trampoline so that they may explore the world inthe certainty that you'll be there to soften the fall.

make time for them. just for them. for what's important to them.however mind numbing that may be...

make time for your friends. all the nutrients in the world will notsuffice without them.

Treat your body fairly and do not spoil it with empty food thatwill only make it weaker in the end.

and remember to take the most important person out on a date every nowand then. Do something you love, that reminds you of who you are,who you want to be and what inspires you.

Never stop learning. Never stop growing, reaching for new goals.

Dare to live new lives.

Day 31: upwards and forwards

2012-01-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

(still catching up with my December Challenge prompts)

Day 31: Take a picture of whatever you want (I’m thinking end of yearcelebrations) but write down one thing that you are going to let go off as ofmidnight

happy new year!

Again, I'm struggling with this one. You would have thought that since I came up with the prompts I might have prepared them, but nope, you'll be glad to know I was totally unprepared. I chose the ones I was attracted to, what I thought to be good questions to be asking. Turns out, too good.

This is the first new years eve in a long time that I do NOT have resolutions. I hadn't even realised this until my husband pointed it out. I love resolutions. I love focusing on what is important and setting out goals for the year ahead, yet I feel completely un-inclined to do so this year.

So I guess I am letting go of resolutions. I'm just going to go with it and see how it turns out.

do you believe in angels?

2012-01-05T23:11:00.001-05:00

I wasn't planning on writing at all for a bit. after the December challenge I'm a bit "written out." But came across this and really wanted to share it.

December family self portrait

2012-01-02T01:00:00.000-05:00

and last but not least.....

bet you thought that we'd be doing the whole Santa hat thing here, but no, our farewell to the family self portrait project has to be in support of the People, with a capital "P"

why?

cause those are my kids whose future is on the line. it is their freedoms and rights that are being squandered and skimmed before our very eyes. It is their education and their social services that are going to the pits.

for next year, and the years to come. whatever it is you choose to do, make it count, do it right, and don't sit back waiting for someone else to keep safe what you value, those you love.

power to the people.

happy new year y'all

famil self portrait project over and out.

Day 28: 11 things

2011-12-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2012? How will you goabout eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change yourlife?

1. oreo cookies

2. uncertainty (I stocked up the last few years)
3. late nights, unless they are really worth it
4. worrying about things that might (or might not) happen
5. disease, by living a healthy lifestyle
6. rudeness, by being kind and deaf to bitter comments
7. too much alcohol (unless it's really worth it)
8. deceit (cause life is too short)
9. bad food, see #5
10. clutter, no idea, been trying for ages and failing miserably so far... think culling might be a good way to start
11. stress, see #5, exercise, look for peace of mind

Day 26: on learning to appreciate the chaos and the magic

2011-12-26T18:32:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine once remarked -surprised- how laid back I am about most things, and how easily I get stressed when it comes to the children. And it's true, not sure why, but it's true.

This year I've kind of learned how to breath and enjoy the chaos. I think I've even learned to be grateful for the chaos. I know that one day I'll open my eyes and find grown adults instead of my little midgets. The chaos will be gone and so will the magic

Day 25: christmas day is like magic

2011-12-25T21:15:00.000-05:00

Day 24: wisdom

2011-12-24T18:32:00.000-05:00

Prompt: Wisdom. What was thewisest decision you made, and how did it play out?

I've really been racking my brain on this one and can't come up with anything. Again, I don't think there is ONE decision that has been so significant this year, but there have been a few rules or lessons learned that I think have helped me to deal with a rather exciting year.

Mainly, I think I trust my gut more, (like pulling my son out of his new school before he had even started), I just accepted that some things needed to be done or happen, and that there was no point in worrying about it (I'm thinking the move). I choose my battles, but also put my foot down for the important things

I think the wisest thing that I have done this year is just take it easy on myself. I don't always have the answers. I don't always get it right, (that is NOT new) but I no longer feel the pressure to do so. I no longer feel the pressure to be there every time someone needs me, some "me" time and "me" activities are now perfectly acceptable. I think I am becoming increasingly flexible. There just seems to be a little skip in my stride....

how does it play out? I smile a lot more, stress a lot less.

Day 23: friendship

2011-12-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

***

you know who you are...

you are the one I only remember to email when I need something, and I feel close enough to just write and ask without further ado.

you are the one that I laughed and got tipsy with.

You are the one that knows me, more than one side of me, and you love some of them, but tolerate and cherish all of them.

You are the one that held me together when I wasn't sure which one I was

.... when I had to decide which one I would be

you are the one I ate with, travelled with, studied with, had pedicures and silly lunches with.

You are the one that trusted in me when your world was shaking. when you needed your heart held by someone that would treat it with love, care and affection.

you are the ones that called on me. the ones that looked after my kids. the ones that suggested books you thought would feed my soul, my child, my brain or my work.

you are the ones that texted me when something cool was happening. when you thought there was something I should read.

the ones I turned to when I was lost, even if it was just a school or an insurance I needed.

you are the one that helped me make the decisions that made me who I am today. thanks for that.

every.little.bit.

every.small. thing

every. time. YOU. were. there . for. me

so thank you. today, tomorrow and the next 200 days when we don't speak. when life is too busy for me to remember to ask how your day went.

remember just one one little thing: I love you, I'm here for you. just like you were.

please raise your glass to my very, very, very amazing friends

Day 22: it'll be alright

2011-12-22T01:00:00.000-05:00

Prompt: Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (The Dead Crew @sweetsalty)

the biggest and most repeated lie in the history of the world.

When the shit hits the fan those around the victim will say:

"everything is going to be all right"

mainly because... it will.

It used to drive me insane that my life could be turned upside down and the sun would continue to rise, the trains would continue to depart, on time... life ignores your tragedies.

Many moons ago I use to act. Once I played King Creon in a modern version of the Greek play Antigone.

Creon was mainly trying to avoid killing his own beloved niece, the main character, who in turn refused to allow civilisation to rule what she could or could not do, even if it meant loosing her life.

And I get the attraction to Antigone, but really, at the end of the day, as unromantic as it may be, Creon had it right: where would the world be if the animals refused to continue walking, eating and mating very time one of their off spring was eaten by a lion. what would the world do if the moon and the stars actually refused to shine every time someone's life was touched by tragedy...

Animals get up, rise and carry on. They don't question life, and there is a degree of humbleness in those actions that is beyond human ability. We humans still think the sun revolves around the earth, mainly because we are in it.

***

There isn't one moment. it has been a long hard learned process. A lot of mornings when the sun rose as expected. When the world did not end. I've had a few scares lately, some of them quite serious, but then the sun rose just when it was supposed to, the kids had to be dressed to go to school, the bills had to be paid....

life waits for none, and as much as I would some times like to get off this somewhat mad train, there is something soothing about knowing that, no matter what, life does go on. I know at some point tragedy will hit me. It's as much part of life as happiness and all the rest of it. I know one day it's going to hurt until it feels like the sun should be shut down, the stars should be pulled away... I just pray it is within the order of things, so that like an elephant, a deer or a monkey, I can get up the next morning, pay the bills, dress the kids, and do my part to keep this wonderful, wonderful world (of mine... there is another rather less wonderful parallel world) going.

Day 21: my name is Helga

2011-12-21T02:00:00.000-05:00

Hi, my name is Helga. I'd shake your hand but have just finished running 5 miles and am covered in sweat. I just can't let a day go by without breaking a sweat. I like to get up early in the morning, when everyone is still sleeping, get some work done, and go for a run when the air is still clean and cold. By the time most people are having their first coffee I've finished running, showered, straightened my hair, had my home made green juice and am at my desk working. oh how rude of me, I forgot to mention what I do, I am a cartoonist. I used to work at a fashion magazine, did a bit of everything from styling the shots to writing the pieces, but I decided to go with my passion which is drawing. I know cartoons don't pay much but I love to draw people the way I see them in my head. and that is always a cartoon.

I live with my dog in an open loft that looks like a museum. I like to have very few things around me. Anything that does not serve a purpose has to go. everything has to have its place. I hate I'm like that but I can't help it. I draw most of the day but in the evenings I go to dance class. I did it professionally for a little while as well but hurt my ankle. Probably for the best, it's a demanding lifestyle, but I still love to dance.

why did I choose Helga?

because she does all the things I wish I could, but can't do:

I can't wake up early

I can't exercise every day

I hate the cold

I can't be fashionable, and can't straighten my hair even if my life depended on it.

I can't keep my house tidy

I can't stop accumulating (much loved and beautiful) things for my house

I can't have a dog (dead allergic)

and I can't draw the cartoons of how I see people inside my head

Day 20: a gift

2011-12-20T01:00:00.000-05:00

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Waxman Literary Agency @hroot)

so (for once) I'm not going to go with anything sappy and deep. Partly because -been there done that- partly because I've had one of those days where I'd really much rather NOT write, and NOT thank anything.

So I'm going with these. I bought them yesterday. You will notice they have heels, and you will recall I said I DON'T wear heals.

These shoes are made by Dutch architects. they were for sale one block from my house in Holland, and I stared at them in adoration for nearly 2 years hoping someone I loved bought them, I couldn't because, with those heels, I'd never wear them, so what would be the point.

Then the other day I saw them here but with like half the heel. Perfect. TheHubs says they are same. whatever. I bought them, put them on and LOVE them. they are sooooo comfortable.

so here they are, my present to me. I was on my good girl list this year

Day 19: I should either learn to say no or join a circus

2011-12-19T20:47:00.001-05:00

I often like to think of myself like this

you know, successful, doing what I love, while keeping my career and having enough time for the kids.

But really, most of the time I look like this

and that is on a good hair day.

I need to learn how to put some of the balls down every now and then. Take this December challenge for example, did I really need this? you know with the whole finish a report 10 days before taking the family away, and by the way don't forget the family monthly portrait, or the traditional family christmas cards photographed by yours truly...

the problem is I love all those balls, but one of these days one is going to smack me in the face, and in the meantime, it is me and the kids that suffer when something's gotta give.

So here's to better time management, and more realistic self-expectations in 2012

Day 17 &18: delight in the senses

2011-12-18T01:18:00.000-05:00

SIGHT

if I couldn't see I could not see your face.

I could not see your smile. I could not see the dew or the horizon's fading light.

If I could not see I would not understand the words red or bright.

I'd miss the deep blue of the ocean, and their small little faces.

If I could not see I could only guess the beauty of the flowers,

or of the travelleler that crosses my path.

If I could not see I would not see the rainbow, the glimmer, the lightning,

the moon's reflection, the tear sliding from your eye

If I could not see the world would be black.

There would be sound and music, and the sound of thunder.

But I could not see your smile.

TASTE

the world is at my tongue's tip: the exotic, the familiar, the old and the new.

with my tongue I can lick soft, slippery and hard.
the candy of life, burn it with spices or indulge it in jam

SMELL

I can smell your body, I can smell your hair,

the stew that is welcoming me home and the rain that has not fallen yet.

HEAR

I can hear the tip toes approaching, I can hear a sigh,

your steps on the snow, your dreams on the sand

I can hear melodies in your footsteps,

the soft sheets gliding, your cold feet reaching for mine

TOUCH

but none of that would mean anything if I could not hold you.

touch your your face, touch your hand, make you safe, make you warm

Cuddled into my arms I can smell your clean hair,

and then heaven and hell overwhelm all my senses

sweat slides slowly down my skin.

I can smell and hear you.

even with my eyes close I can see you.

Day 16: be a fruitloop

2011-12-16T14:45:00.000-05:00

"be a fruitloop in a world of cheerios"

Your challenge today is to make sure you exit your house with something-visible- that you would normally not wear. The point (and remember, a lot of these challenges are directed first and foremost at myself) is to shake it up, so bring so colour, so fun or some crazy to your wardrobe, make up or hair today, and send us a photo.

For me that means super girly heels. I never wear heals, and I rarely do girly.

Day 15: guilty pleasures

2011-12-15T22:59:00.000-05:00

shhhhhhhhhhhhh

it's quiet, dark and everyone is sleeping.

shhhhhhhhhhhhh

you can hear some tip toeing, some rumbling around.....

..........it's me, on the sofa, with the obsession of the week (currently oreos and milk), watching a TV series.

shhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's way too late. I can barely keep my eyes open.

But this time, this quiet, dark flickering time is all mine.

and I'm not about to give it up any time soon.....

shhhhhhhhhhhhh

Day 14: de-clutter

2011-12-14T01:30:00.000-05:00

Day 14: de-clutter. choose 3 things that promise to organise or throw away. agree with yourself to a deadline in the new year, then try to imagine how you will feel once the deed is done

pay, file, organise.... definitely next weeek

file. hopefully next week

organise, file or hide better, next week

put in storage, no way next week

give away (not all) before Santa makes his deliveries. so next week

make the inside look as pretty as the outside.... next week?

shit... next week is looking pretty cluttered if you ask me...

Day 13: you have 5 minutes to rescue what you can from 2011... go!

2011-12-13T01:30:00.000-05:00

· tripto Peru, tropicokis and general mayhem with the family and my grandma

visitto family in Marbella (and the food)

visitto family in alghero (and the food)

yogalessons in the hague

ridingmy bike by the canals, through the forests….

tripto Ethiopia, an absolutely amazing country

myfirst guitar tunes

mario’sfirst word (reading), mila practically reading…

Returningto bologna, the scene of the crime, 15 years later with the hubs

Visitto Heidi’s home town in engelberg (family)... (not so much the food)

Friends:those left behind in Holland (and other places), and the ones I got to seeagain after (in some cases) 23 years ... ouch!

Lazystrolls in Amsterdam

Ourfirst summer in NY

Thefamily self portrait project (insert heart here)

Andstill to come:

· Seeing Annie Leibowiz, one of my greatest idols, inperson (tomorrow night)

· Family holiday in Miami/ Disney (with 11kids in tow….)

so basically: family, friends, food and travel ... priceless

Day 12: Energy

2011-12-12T02:00:00.000-05:00

Where are you losing energy in your life?

not enough sleep, probably sweets...

When where/are you most drained?

when I am stressed. when the kids fight....

What energizes you?

yoga, dancing

What jolts you, lifts you up, gets you giddy? Makes you relax?

romantic comedies, my favourite TV series, playing the guitar, listening to good music,

What has you feeling better immediately no matter what?

a glass or red wine, date nigh (they fortunately usually go togeyther)

Day 11: never ending story

2011-12-11T01:30:00.000-05:00

good thing I'm not an engineer

So the last thing I made, whereby my computer was not involved, was this gingerbread train. It was fun putting it together with the kids, although I think we should have stuck to the gingerbread house because we barely managed to get the train to stand, and I got all anal, and then had to remind myself that the point of the exercise WAS NOT a good looking train, but for the kids to have fun....

I also recently took face painting lessons. It is a really fun thing to do with the kids, and I love the feeling of doing something manual with them. I am the star mom when it comes to play dates (at least in my books). How this happened is actually quite sad: I accidentally volunteered to face paint at the princess' school party. Having never done it before, some of them came out ok, others, one in particular which still haunts me, was a disaster.... so I got all anal and decided to learn to do a better job next year (we start to see a theme here...)

what I want to make that I need to carve time out for?

My book. Crossing the River is 80% finished as per last year's goal, and this year, other than a quick run through in early February, I've had no time to look at it. It's harder now because I can't just work a bit at night, I really feel I need a good chunk of time to go through it because I am looking at things like structure, and flow... and you just can't do that in bits here and there.

I worry that nearly a year has passed with no progress. I also feel (hope maybe?) that it is maturing, and hopefully when I do manage to finish, it will be better off because of this time. I even considered starting book 2 and letting this one macerate a bit longer, give it more perspective, but I worry that if I don't finish soon it will just be yet another book that just never got finished.

So, bizarrely enough, I have to hope to NOT get work at some point next year, so that I can pull this one through....

Day 10: the beauty of different

2011-12-10T01:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, even I struggled to get the challenge done today... busy people that we are, but that is kind of the point of the challenge, to take time from running around to think and appreciate....

I'm pretty sure if people had to describe what makes me ME, the top mentions would be:

1. My unruly hair and my chinito eyes

Unruly and unmanageable, I love my hair, and I've had it in almost every colour available

2. I'm tall

3. I'm blunt to the point of rude .... when not being funny ( try to photograph that one... I dare you)

4. I'm passionate

5. a little odd (for the most part in a good way)

but then I went out with the hubs and got curious... he said:

1. I'm exotic (i.e. chinito eyes)

2. ethical

3. creative (kind of passionate right?)

4. homey (as in I like my home, and being home, and... well, he wasn't that specific so maybe he meant something else)

5. unusual (i.e. a little odd)

so it appears we mostly agree...

have you asked your loved ones?...

Day 9: these are a few of my favourite things....

2011-12-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

morning coffee and the 2 mile walk I have to do every morning to get trouble to school

I love being surrounded by things that remind me of our travels.
My camera y always at hand to capture the beauty of every day life

eating definitely makes me happy. In good Mediterranean fashion
I use food to celebrate and as an excuse to bring friends together (good wine a must)
pictured: favourite sandwich- turkey (ham or roast beef also allowed),
cheese, bit of mayo and mustard, arugula

I love M's very unique sense of style and commitment to it "antes muerta que sencilla"

I love both the guitar and my bed. The kids come in on
weekends and I try to keep the whole family in it as long as possible

shouldn't but do....
and it's how I keep in touch with family and friends throughout the world, so really, I should

Day 8: Laughter

2011-12-08T04:30:00.000-05:00

Reflect on the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt, your mascara ran down your face, or you wet your pants?

The last time I literally peed my pants from laughter I was in one of those trampolines with my nephews. the last time I laughed so hard it almost hurt, I was with my sister having a pedicure done by a bunch of fish. The last time I laughed till I cried I was laughing about nothing with the princess, but with a very complicit look, so she would crack up from the sheer joy of sharing that moment, and I would laugh harder from the fact that we were laughing about nothing, and it just kept going till we had tears in our eyes. (I rarely wear mascara).

I’ve got a bit of a bad rep as Ms grumpy, but the truth is in general I am a happy and light hearted person. Kind of like a large Chihuahua. At the end of the day there’s a lot of yapping but no harm done.

In general kids, and especially my kids, make me laugh. they are constantly coming up with the most unexpected (like trouble's request for a helicopter for the school trip because the bus is too boring).

Not long after my kids were born I realised that all the videos I took of them had the same background noise: me laughing. And although they often drive me nuts, they just as often, if not more, crack me up.

Day 7: on weathering storms...

2011-12-07T02:00:00.000-05:00

What storm did youweather? Big or small... obstacle(s)did you overcome? Feel free to be literal if you prefer... was there an actualstorm that you survived?

capture from "Diary" by Tim Heatherington

Tim's death was definitely astorm that hit my shore this year. It put me in touch withmortality and eternity at the same time. It's a wound on my side, a knotin my stride.....

I said I wouldn't talk abouthim more here, so I wont. Instead I'll share something of his that speaksvolumes to me.

I have notseen and hope I'll never witness the kind of shit that Tim did, but I feelthis video conveys what it feels like to be an aid worker too. That sense of "one day I'm in a school with former child soldiers or people that can't eat,and the next in a cab down cobbled stone streets surrounded by fancy shopsfilled with unnecessary things." For better and for worse I live with thatcontrast. For better and for worse I've spent too many nights alone with nothing but dirty mosquito nets in a random hotel, in an even more random town.

Tim better than anyone understood that the Devil is in the detail and away from the spotlight. To think that this was justthe beginning of his dialogue.... it should have been just the beginning.

PS although I do recommend it, and it is more poetic than gory, it is not for the faint of heart. Maybe now that I've shared it with you he'll stop haunting me....

Day 6: Achieve

2011-12-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

Lat year's prompt was: Achieve. What’s the one thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’llfeel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful?

For 2012 I hope to gain all the weight that I managed to loose, and then some.

I hope to be tired, exhausted really.

Overwhelmed, weepy and cranky.

I want to be fat, sleep deprived and unemployed with short interludes of absolute bliss.

yup, that is what I'm aiming for.... sprog #3

Day 5: your body

2011-12-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

last year's prompt on Body integration was: when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? ~ (by Patrick Reynolds)

I'd like to change it to what gift did you give your body this year? when were you kind to it (instead of critical) how will you be kind to it next year?

i for one had a bit of a scare last year, and this year.... but last year was the first time that I took it seriously and it changed my attitude towards exercise. Before exercise always felt vein and superficial (when it meant prioritising it to my kids) or just unrealistic (when it came to prioritising it to work). and then the shit hits the fan and you realise you've only got one body, and nobody is getting any if that body is not around. not even the kids. so I started the year off with a detox which was actually quite a shocking experience, mainly because once you hit that switch it becomes so easy to do what you know you should be doing, second, because once the three week detox was over my body wanted nothing to do with the old habits, it was just amazing to me how strongly it reacted and how much it did not want crap back in. but of course little by little you fall back into the old ways...

I did maintain my commitment to exercise going to yoga twice a week, and I think it's really made a difference.

as for next year.... the stress of the move has thrown me back into the deep end of my old ways. so today I am booking and appointment with a holistic doctor that will put me in a strict and very specific to my needs diet, (as soon as the holidays are over... lets be realistic people). I have also bought a one month unlimited dance class pass for the month of January ... I used to dance, haven't since high school.... will in January and hopefully I will fall in love with one of the classes and continue to do so, together with yoga, and eat better, and meditate, and .....

And I want my children to get used to doing something physical, whatever it is, but I want it to become part of their life from an early age. we must not neglect the body, and I must lead by example.

It's a somewhat ambitious plan.

Day 4: pick a moment when you felt most alive this year... (and November family self portrait)

2011-12-04T16:29:00.001-05:00

I can't choose one moment, but I can say that every now and then the fact that I have a family creeps up on me and hits me full force "BAM!" a feeling so strong it nearly throws me to the ground.

We may be doing nothing or something totally inconsequential. Maybe I just come across some little shoes left on the hall way and "BAM!" it overwhelms me, my chest fills with love and pride and a certain amount of disbelief, that this is my life, that I made these people, that we make this family, that we are building this life together. A feeling so strong it makes my chest hurt and barely fits inside of me.

Did you have a "BAM!" moment this year? one of those moments where you are totally overwhelmed (by love, surprise, pain...)

Although I had planned something different and hope to still do it, I'm afraid this is going to have to do as my November family self portrait, at least for now. To learn a bit more about that project go here, and to look at the other months you con go to the links below. (my fave so far is October)

Day 3: on life's surprises and keeping sense of wonder

2011-12-02T23:01:00.001-05:00

I love how life throws you surprises. Ok. admittedly I don't always love those suprises but..

Patricia Fernández-Pacheco- "Manual para Acróbatas" (Torremozas 2011)

this here reading a page from her recently published poetry book is someone I have known, or rather e-known, for almost two years now, but only met in person last month.

She is someone I know through work. so imagine my surprise when I casually received an invite to her book launch.

I admit it makes me jealous that she finds the time to write when I haven't even touched my book for a couple of months now. Not to mention the fact that this is her second published book. But I was grateful to be there. I was grateful for this spontaneous "artist date", this opportunity to get off the wagon of life, if only for a couple of hours, and remember the little things that inspire me. That sense of wonder and delight in the little things that art requires. The ability to take something old, something that people don't even notice anymore, and make it new.

This is at the heart of my photography. Trying to capture what normally you don't even notice.

***

The (unofficial) prompt for today was "What are some things you held onto in 2011 that you would like to let go of in 2012?"

I want to turn it around and think of the things that I want to keep hold of, and that thing is my desire to keep learning and growing. This year I started guitar lessons. The princess has kids in her class that are at 5 years old and probably better than me. Who cares, it is not about that, it is not about them, it is about doing something you love, even if it makes no sense. And making the time for it, for you, for the little part in you that wants to be inspired.

I also loved that someone that I knew had something so unexpected about her.

I love it (for the most part) when life throws me surprises, and reminds me not to take too many assumptions for granted.
***
what about you? what do you want to let go off this year? what do you want to hold on to?

Day 2: choose one word

2011-12-01T15:20:00.001-05:00

I'm not a morning person. but waking up to this would put a smile on anyone's face.

The prompt thrown around for day one of reverb11 (there isn't an official site anymore) was choose one word to describe 2011. I have to go with love.

Its been busy, there has been chaos and madness, but the bottom line is that I am constantly and continuously surrounded by love. My kids, my husband, my parents, my mother in law, my sisters, my brother, my grandma, my nephews, my cousins.... they were there for me, they are there for me, and that -as the Mastercard add puts it- is priceless.

What one word would you use to describe 2011? can you photograph it?

Day 1: December challenge

2011-12-01T10:18:00.001-05:00

so I'm going to do it. It's crazy and probably stupid,but hey.... some of the best things happen after those words have been uttered.

I am going to do my December challenge and am going topost a photo every day (every day....) this month.

Which means you'll have to be kind and accept thatsometimes those photos might not be great. Which means you have to be generousand comment in order to encourage me, or even better, join me! and linkyour photos here or share them on the onSanity facebook page.

December for me is about taking stock and gearing up for what it is you want to accomplish on the next year, so I am going to try to do this through photographs. I want the camera to force me to look at my surroundings and my life. To focus on what I no longer see because I take for granted. on what is missing and what I want. I think it's more about story telling than art, about letting your guard down and waiting to see what happens. Allowing for that to happen. It's my version of reverb11.

It's probably a bad idea to agree to do this in thebusiest month of the year, but it's probably also going to be fun.

So here is today; I'm at mydesk writing to you, me e-conscience, instead of doing the work I should be doing. Onmy desk lies this postcard, I have no idea where it came from, but it's one ofthe biggest truths I know, and what I remind myself when I get impatient withmyself. It's also ironically the opposite of what this challenge is about.

To the left lies an Indianlove goddess whose name I do not know which was given to me by my mom when I wasstill in college. It has travelled with me since, and clearly works as I baggedthe best husband ever.

happy new year.....

2011-12-01T01:30:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

and thanks for playing

on why I like to write...

2011-11-30T10:40:00.001-05:00

photo by ZedZap

I need someone to occupy my brain this week

2011-11-29T10:52:00.001-05:00

"I have got tomake everything that has happened to me good for me."

— Oscar Wilde

I feel like the wolf that is always running after the road runner. you know when he turns the corner, something hits him in the head and then the head starts to spin, the stomach to churn, there are little starts and wiggles as he tumbles away because the ground beneath his feet wont stand still.

I need the ground to stand still. I need the earth to stand still. I need to catch my breath or I will vomit anxiety and the weight of the earth on the carpet. And I don't want to have to clean it again.

I need someone else to be the mom and the wife while I go to my room to do my homework to the beat of the Go-Gos while I draw "I heart F.B." on the sides.

I need someone else to Occupy my soul this week. make my decisions. and while you are at it, can you finish my report please?

You may be wondering how the text relates to the photo. Well, partly it doesn't, it's a photo I took back in March in Peru and just edited it. But the woman at the center of it personifies who I would like to be right now. Someone that can always see the bright side to anything. Someone that can smile no matter how much it hurts. And who by the way happens to be the great grandmother of all those kids and a few more.

So yeah, I want to be her this week, and while I'm at it, wouldn't mind being her at the beach.

NYC

2011-11-26T08:56:00.001-05:00

back in NYC. always amazed by how photogenic this city is. You can feel the creative energy seeping through its pores

social taboos, untouchables and the evil eye

2011-11-21T13:45:00.001-05:00

People in this village have done pottery from timeimmemorial. Potters in Ethiopia are untouchables considered to have an evil eye.They must work alone so not to be harmed by other's evil eye.

They can make the pots, but at weddings or other such social events they cannot eat from them but instead eat from leaves. If they touch what they created it becomes unusable.

Many die digging the clay from underground. Girls get raped as punishment for taking clay from other’s land. If a man or woman falls in love with a potter he/she will be disowned by the family.

The pots cost nothing. They’re taken to the market, what is not sold is left behind. They don’t have the means to take it back.

while digging out the clay there is always danger of the earth collapsing. Many have died this way

the holes can become quite large, increasing the chances of the earth collapsing over the workers

a group of men remove a piece of earth that has fallen over the entrance to the cave where they are extracting the clay

pottery is mostly undertaken by women. It is usually done alone as potters are believed to have an evil eye that could harm those around them

potters continue to use traditional methods for burning the clay

these are used to hold the hot injera bread, an essential part of traditional Ethiopian diet, and can be sold for 80 Birr at the market, less than $5 US dollars

usually entire families will work together in the same industry

continuous exposure to the high temperatures burn the skin and the eyes

as well as soil degradation, there is contamination of the air and the lungs are often afflicted.

Friday afternoon, pots waiting by the side of the road to be taken to the local market. Whatever is not sold will be left behind as the workers cannot cover the cost of transporting it back

The Thin Line

2011-11-16T14:28:00.001-05:00

Kohar Kevorkianb. 1976

The thinLine in between, 2010

Mixed mediaincluding coffee powder and gold dust

Recognizing a thinline in between everything in life. There exists a thin line between love andhate, weakness and strength, positive and negative. Seeing how in the deepest depth of feeling, thereexists a thin line in between; a line which we can cross over at any giventime. This painting is a celebration of the diverse forces which unite man anda sliver of a line, which divides the glory of heaven from that of hell.

Art from Ethiopia.

passing through

2011-11-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

life is but a fleeting glimpse...

@ Ethiopia

11.11.11

2011-11-11T00:30:00.001-05:00

Send love to everyone you know,
Send love to all you don't know.
Love makes the difference.

at 11:11am and 11:11pm send your love, meditate, pray, or whatever tickles your fancy, just give 3 minutes of consciousness to the world. lots of people will be doing that today... you have to admit that it sounds beautiful.

love!

Post Data:

this was 11:11 am Ethiopia time. I was in a government building and all my gear had been confiscated. Photographs are not allowed in the building ... they missed the fact that my iphone has one, but of course I was not up for taking very public pictures. so this is the ministry's toilet....

yes, every single one of those threads got manually put there by someone

2011-11-09T12:45:00.000-05:00

Today I had to go to see a weaving factory in the outskirts of Addis Abbeba (Ethiopia... just in case). It's pretty impressive to see how those things you haggle for at the market are made

the color string is put on a little wooden boat like vessel that gets pulled and pushed from side to side by forcefully pushing and pulling a rope hanging on top. While the feet push pedals sequentially so that the right strings are on top or bottom. The new string gets tightened in with the rest manually.

Sophisticated designs can require up to five foot pedals

it was the sheer number of sticks and strings and levels that I found overwhelming

the intricacy with which each detail is made...

painfully slow step after painfully slow step

even the thread has to be hand weaved onto those little sticks

PS: honey, I bought those curtains you said we needed......

on (mental) transit otherwise known as time travel

2011-11-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

there's something about this photo that I really love. I don't know if it is the colors or the texture...
BTW, in the back the hood is up and someone is trying to get the motor running

Apologiesfor the radio silence. I'm stuck in a time machine, afterseveral days run up where my left brain was preparing a dinosaurparty while my right brain was trying to ensure that I was fully prepared formy mission to Ethiopia.

In short,my left brain rocked, my right brain did not.

I thoughtI was arriving 2 pm Monday and decided to take it easy and start on thefollowing morning. Instead I arrived 2am, which gave me a full day to myself toprepare and maybe even go for a stroll before getting on the conveyor belt.Unfortunately, it was 2am on the following morning, so a couple of hours afterI’d gone to bed I got a call from the Lobby as I was already late for my firstmeeting.

"butit's Monday??"

"nomam, it's Tuesday"

when'sthe last time you had that conversation...

My clothes are completely inappropriate. I went withthe “I’m going to Africa. I will be warm”

Africa - 2

Right brain- love

I broughtno socks and no back up flu meds, and have of course picked up the flu on thetime machine (otherwise known as plane), as well as a sensitive tooth…

I am attaching a photo of the crank needed in order to open and closethe window in the car that is providing me transport….

OWS' main achievement: unveiling a weak rule of law

2011-10-27T19:02:00.000-05:00

I’vebeen meaning to write about the Occupy Wall Street protest but haven’t because,well, because I feel very ambiguous about it.

Iknow that if you are a liberal you are expected to support them, but I don’tfeel comfortable supporting something that defines itself in the negative. I don’t feel comfortable doing a blanketapproval, even if I agree with a lot of what they have to say. They areprotesting against a system with many flaws, but also many benefits andprivileges that should not be taken for granted. I don’t feel comfortablesupporting a movement that criticises but does not offer constructivealternatives, we already have too many politicians doing that.

Amidstall this ambivalence I decided to go and have a look first hand.

Thefirst thing that shocked me is how small Zucotti park actually is. It is tiny, andthat is something that the media –which has been so criticised for not coveringthis “historic event” properly- at no point has made evident in my view.

Thesecond thing that called my attention is that without a doubt if you puttogether the photographers, media and tourists they outnumber the actual protesters.

The multiple signs asking for donations were equally disturbing. For what? Forwhom? One such sign was quite specific:

“totake my girlfriend out for dinner”

notthe most convincing politically argument.

Iwalked around amidst an excited atmosphere. It was a weekday, so the weekendhordes were at bay, and us curious passer bys as well as the media could goabout our business fairly comfortably. Tourist busses passed by snapping away whatmight become a new tourist attraction.

There was a drums band, a jazz band, and towards the end a classic band set out with multiple violins and other instruments.

Onthat particular afternoon there were Queers Occupying Wall Street, Muslims OccupyingWall Street (about 80 of them, and the women sat in the back during the speech,which is a system that I would like to protest against myself), and once theMuslims where finished, the praying matswere replaced by bright green foam to make the space child friendly for theParents Occupy Wall Street sleep over.

That these three groups can coexist in such a small space is both exciting and confusing. I can’t imagine they would agree on too many things were they to actually sit down with each other. Still, they were all there, that says something.

Backat home going over the photos I continued to feel equally confused and excited.There were artists about. The idea of a street library seemed grand. Theatmosphere reminded me of the many pacifist protests that I attended in mystudent days in Spain.

Spainhas an amazing tradition of pacific demonstrations. Actually, many would besurprised to know that before OWS a similar thing took place in Spain earlierthis year. On May 2011 a pacific demonstration turned into an overnight stay atMadrid’s main square, the Puerta del Sol. Their slogan was “indignados”(outraged), opposing the same system flaws. They had sofas, libraries and cafeterias with food donated from therestaurants around the square, and were soon organised into action groups, both for mundane tasks such as clean up or morestrategic ones such as communications with the media. The movement soon spreadto other cities: Barcelona, Segovia, Valencia…

OnMay 27 hundreds of wounded were reported as the protestors were evacuated inorder to clean the Plaza de Catalunya, sound familiar?

Eventuallyit was disbanded. Nothing happened. I’d heard nothing about it since, which furthered my sense offutile endeavour around OWS.

Intrying to understand what is going on I’ve been reading around and recentlydiscovered that the occupy puerta del sol has continued, albeit not as aprotest but a civil political movement #acampadasol whichstill functions through monthly open popular assemblies putting forwardspecific political agendas. Not sure how much of the 99% is involved butcertainly seems like an interesting and efficient civil action proposal.

Althoughstill confused generally I can say this: Zucotti park is clean, the protest isnot violent, there are people of all ages, creeds and gender.

Butthere is another aspect that isincreasingly becoming clear as a result of all this. The state/police reaction to what (to me) appears to be apacific and harmless civic action is worrisome to the point ofridiculous (see arrest of Naomi Wolf for… well, obeying the law).

[....that guy is never going to hear the end of it.]

Moreworrisome is the fact that she was diverted to another police station to keepher lawyers away, and that “homeland “ security was invoked when people askedto approach the police station.

[click on video to hear full explanation by Ms Wolf herself]

Thisotherwise irrelevant incident has exposed a weak rule of law that can betrampled over “a couple of middle aged couch potatoes” who haven’t broken thelaw.

I find that unveiling this trend is so far themost important achievement of the OWS movement. Ironic that this is coming outjust as the Arab spring is taking place

Responsible citizens need to keep watch, listen, read andmake sure that the basic freedoms America so proudly declares as her birth right remain intact.

on Occupy Wall Street - a prelude

2011-10-26T23:07:00.001-05:00

Click on the image to see it full size

I'm working on a long photo + story post on OWS.... but in the meantime thought I'd give you a little peek

October family (self) portrait

2011-10-24T19:50:00.000-05:00

Don't read too much into it. There isn't some deep meaning to this photo. These masks were given to the monkeys last christmas and I think they are amazing. I had been planning this one for a while, and quite chuffed with the result.

I think I'm finally on to something....

To see the other months press below:

too cool for your shoes...

2011-10-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

admit it, you love this photo.... you just have to.

have a nice weekend y'all

On Admitting failure, otherwise known as learning

2011-10-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

This post is part of this week's forum on admitting failure at Tales from the Hood

When I first joined the “aid world” coming from the private sector, one of the first things that struck me was to see how off-the-cuff calculations were presented as numbers, as opposed to what they were, estimates, (for example, gender breakdown for families). When I suggested we call them "estimate" in the reporting I was received with a look of both shock and horror:

-"then they’ll think we don't know what we are doing!"

Anyone who understands anything about development will know that in most situations it is almost impossible to know the gender composition of family that is benefiting from some type of assistance. You can estimate according to country statistics how large the family might be, as well as the gender composition, but it will always be that, an estimate. So why the concern of stating it as such?

At least part of the problem is (me thinks) that development is a relatively new social science. As any new science, it is learning by doing, which necessarily implies doing mistakes. As any social science, there are no hard and fast rules, no laboratory situations that can be replicated. 2+2 only equals four in a maths class, anywhere else it will depend on the context.

So why do we have this big chip on our shoulder about being something we are not? Didn’t medicine (actually, doesn’t medicine) learn by doing? Didn’t NASA drop a couple of spaceships? Why are we expected to be perfect from the start?

Donors and the public alike need to be educated about this, which actually really means we have to stop assuming they are dumb and can’t grasp these concepts. They can.

also, we also need to understand this ourselves. We need to have enough confidence to give ourselves space to learn, to sit down and think:

“ok, what went wrong, how could I’ve done it differently, how could I do it in the future?”

which brings us back to the part where we educate donors and the public, because in order to do that not only do we nee them to understand, but we also need for them to support and fund that part of the process.

I’m constantly shocked to find projects without the support of a Monitoring & Evaluation (or reporting) officer. The requirement to monitor and report is there (always), but the funds are assigned to the implementation, and the implementing staff is expected to design tools that will capture the relevant information, document, collect the data, and put it into a report, (as well as implement). None of which they are trained to do, and which usually translates into process monitoring:

“how many x did we do”

as opposed to: “what do we want to achieve by doing X, and how can we measure that we are having an impact on that?”

The requested report gets written and filed. Box gets ticked. No one has the time to analyse the information, to look for synergies, to see what other organizations are doing and how they can reinforce each other, or what we can learn from them. The lessons learned get filed away, hidden or camouflaged if possible, no one really benefitting from them.

Admitting failure isn't about marketing or a mea culpa, it's about incorporating theprocess of learning from our mistakes as part of the management process.Anything that gets brushed under the rug does double harm: first when you did themistake, and then every time someone else has to make it because they couldn’tlearn from you. Which to me sounds like a highly inefficient and expensive wayto move forward.

The long horn of Africa- Blog action day 2011

2011-10-16T14:27:00.002-05:00

Somalia, food distribution recipients

I was back home in the summer. My 8 year old niece was very concerned about the images she was seeing coming out from the horn on Africa on TV, so my sister asked me -theaid expert that had lived in Africa and worked in Somalia- to explain to herabout the famine. It went something like this:

"well,it's really about power and politics. There’s a lot of different clans, clansare like families, and they all want the power, and so the people, mostly womenand children, get crushed in the middle of it"

I’m notsure either of them understood or believed me, but that’s my version of theaffair. And you can see how –from myperspective- no amount of food distribution is going to solve the problem.

***

Sometimeswe (the aid community) just need to get the f*ck out. Sometimes not only are we nothelping, but we are actually making things worse, maintaining a status quo thatshould be unsustainable. Making the powerful stronger. The rich richer.

WhenI say something like this out loud people often argue that it would beunethical to walk away. That it would mean penalising the poor not the rich. Thathundreds might die before anything actually changes, and they are right,actually, they often use Somalia as an example that no matter how bad a situation gets, it IS sustainable, and they've got a point.

Somaybe it comes down to aid with accountability.

Wehate the idea of enforcing our values because a) we've been wrong so many timesand b) it feels like colonialism all over again. But lets face it, aid withoutaccountability is not only unethical but simply irresponsible. The donors andaid agencies need to bite the bullet andensure that certain values are enforced, that the vulnerable benefit, like reallybenefit, and no, number of women that attended a workshop or received a bag offood does not count as a gender strategy, (for example). Especially if thosesame women have no control over what happens to that food once it gets home, orhave no way of earning an income because it is deemed unacceptable forwomen to take a job outside the home. If you don’t address the root causes youare not helping, you are just putting a band aid over an infected wound. Maybeit’s time to learn how to walk away whenwe see there is no change, but more importantly, when we know there is no willto change. Why? Because for the most part they know that no matter howunaccountable they are to the money that has been distributed, how littlethings change, the money will keep flowing in. And for the most part, they areright. We need to start making them accountable in order to be accountable ourselves.

Maybeits time to look at laws and national budgets, see where the country’s money isgoing, making them participate (economically) whenever they want us to donate. Ifthey think it is important enough for us (the development community) to investin it… then they should too.

Because in a civil war situation, and Somalia is a type of civil war, handing out food is not any more neutral than handing out guns. We have a responsibility to know what we are doing, where it is going, and who’s really benefitting.

food distribution center

NOTE: This post was originally a reply to a post on Tales From the Hood: simple it got so long I decided best to keep on ranting over here.

another kind of simple

2011-10-14T22:11:00.000-05:00

"I got my hair cut and a balloon"

for those of you complaining that I haven't been writing lately...

2011-10-12T21:43:00.002-05:00

For those of you complaining that I have not been writing lately, I just wanted to let you know that I have written a couple of guest post and articles recently you can have a look at:

I'm on Tales from the Hood, a great site for deep critical thought on the aid world with "Finding the G spot", which is about gender and the work place in the aid world, (or anywhere else really).

I wrote "why I'm a survivor" on Band Back together, which is a group weblog that provides educational resources as well as a safe, moderated, supportive environment to share stories of survival.

and the "survival kit for moving away" on Matador life

so enjoy!

...(and stop complaining)

cause us privileged people that can read and access a computer have a responsibility to give a damn - The girl effect

2011-10-09T19:49:00.000-05:00

UN food distribution center. Somalia

I saw this video a while back. I was flabbergasted (do you even spell it like that?) I knew already everything that was in it. I do this for a living. What really shocked me was how simple they had managed to make the message. So simple and in-your-face that it was impossible to ignore.

I'm a feminist. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't care how out of use or abused the word is, I believe that men and women are, like the t-shirts in Thailand put it, "same same, but different". I believe in the beauty of that difference, but I think it would be irresponsible for privileged women to ignore the abuse and disadvantages that most of our ... sisters? .. live under. And by the way, if you are reading this, you have access to a computer AND you can read, so you are already a part of that privileged group.

There are a lot of fights still pending. The developed countries do a lot of preaching, but the reality is that when everything has been said and done, there is usually a lot more said than done. You'd be surprised to see that indigenous women in some mountain in Colombia are fighting for some the same things that we are: like equal pay and equal opportunity. I certainly was.

But even those women are fortunate. They are fighting, that means they have a voice, that means that someone, at some point in their life taught them that, and that is already more than many women (girls) have.

One of my most traumatic experiences was reading "The road of lost Innocence" by Somali Mam. Somali is a brave Cambodian woman that was sold into prostitution by her uncle at the age of 13. She survived, and by taking in one girl at a time founded AFESIP, an organization that helps other girls escape and survive that same experience. She tells her story in a brave book. Nothing I didn't already know, but to read it told in first person rather than in cold statistics. To read it while living in Cambodia and holding my new born daughter..... your heart breaks a little.

My mother often asks me why I went back to work after my children were born. She asks why I put myself in harms way when I have two small children at home that need me, that only have me, that would never be able to replace me. The answer is simple: I can't know what is happening and ignore it. I just can't. More so now because I have children of my own and all the statistics have become personal. Those girls are no different from my girl.

So here are some sobering statistics behind the so-called girl effect:

Drawing by the princess

When a girl in the developing world receives seven or more

years of education, she marries four years later and has 2.2

fewer children.

(United Nations Population Fund, State of World Population 1990.)

An extra year of primary school boosts girls’ eventual wages

by 10 to 20 percent. An extra year of secondary school:

15 to 25 percent.

(George Psacharopoulos and Harry Anthony Patrinos, “Returns to Investment in Education: A Further

Update,” Policy Research Working Paper 2881[Washington, D.C.: World Bank, 2002].)

Research in developing countries has shown a consistent relationship

between better infant and child health and higher

levels of schooling among mothers.

(George T. Bicego and J. Ties Boerma, “Maternal Education and Child Survival: A Comparative

Study of Survey Data from 17 Countries,” Social Science and Medicine 36 (9) [May 1993]:

1207–27.)

When women and girls earn income, they reinvest 90 percent

of it into their families, as compared to only 30 to 40

percent for a man.

(Chris Fortson, “Women’s Rights Vital for Developing World,” Yale News Daily 2003.)

Out of the world’s 130 million out-of-school youth,

70 percent are girls.

(Human Rights Watch, “Promises Broken: An Assessment of Children’s Rights on the 10th Anniversary

of the Convention on the Rights of the Child,” www.hrw.org/campaigns/crp/promises/education.

html [December 1999].)

Wondering how you can help? it's the girl effect blogging week. Write a post, or just share this one or one of the others posts written by other bloggers you like with your friends. Get the word out. In the words of Steve Jobs "Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

on caffeine

2011-10-08T23:20:00.000-05:00

I thought this was an appropriate Monday morning post. Morning y'all. and hope all the best for the week for ya.

related post: first coffee photo post

on clouds

2011-10-05T20:57:00.002-05:00

I'm obsessed with the clouds in New York. There is something quite spectacular about them. The sky is always cyan (if you are a photographer you know what that means), and then there are these thick clouds that look like someone just came along and painted them on.

Mona Lisa - Photo post

2011-10-03T21:59:00.000-05:00

this one is a bit of a mona lisa for me, not that I think I'm anywhere near a Michelangelo, but in so far as I find it haunting, can't work out if he's tired, scared, or if I'm going to have to scream to him for something he just did

on domestic bliss

2011-09-30T10:50:00.003-05:00

little by little our hose is looking less like a war zone and more like a home. Normally I really love it when our stuff arrives. I love opening up the boxes and finding all the little things I forgot we owned but tell a story of a trip, a friend, a day....

This time it was different. I really didn't look forward to my stuff. When it did finally arrive, the movers threw everything around with absolute disregard for it, so the house was just piles and piles that we had to make our way through. Weekends were Ikea and target trips and then getting our construction degree. so the fact that this morning we could all sit down to breakfast on a clear table and empty chairs. that our fridge started having food in it, I'm just grateful to be getting back to what I call domestic bliss, and this little thing she did, finding her own way of reaching to get the eggs, making the house hers... I just had to snap it, it talks to me and tells me that maybe, just maybe, we've finally made it home.

On why Ikea furniture should be used for job interviews for anything from astronauts to taxi drivers,but specially for aid work

2011-09-26T19:50:00.001-05:00

I moved recently, so have familiarised myself closely with the nearest Ikea. You know how it goes, a few weeks in and I’m on a first name basis with most of the shop keepers.

Given my extensive experience on the moving business (link to matador post) I’ve been to many an Ikeas around the world. Like most people I know, I am both grateful humbled by Ikea, and also hate it with a vengeance. It doesn’t matter how many times you swear you will never step foot in an Ikea again, you will be back, because they have what you need, it’s right there, it’s cheap, and usually actually kind of pretty.

Only recently has it struck me that Ikea furniture could have an entirely different use in life and development: it should be used for job interviews. You know all those sophisticated systems with questions, role playing etc… no need for that anymore. Just take a group of potential hires, hand them a few ikea items in their box, and sit back to observe.

Ikea furniture requires absolute attention to detail. If you overlook the slightest detail, like assume that two parts that look the same can be interchanged, that a bolt can be facing in or out… if there is the smallest thing that you have overlooked you will find yourself in the biggest pickle down the road, and that is when it starts to get interesting. Something else will not be able to be clicked on or screwed in. It won’t be obvious, so you assume that you are doing something wrong at that stage, when in reality you lost that battle long ago, before you hammered in those nails which are not actually intended to come back out, and you’ll need to work out how to do it without ruining the whole thing.

You can observe attention to detail, as well as how the potential hire handle stress and frustration. Soon each applicant’s character will begin to emerge: there will be one that sits back in despair, another blames that blames it all on the fact that his instructions were not followed earlier on, (and he may be right, still, do you want that guy on your team when something goes wrong in the field?). Another will talk and talk but actually accomplish little and come up with no useful suggestions, (that guy might be good for fundraising, but keep him out of field work too please). There will a strong willed and determined one who will try to get the job done through sheer force, and might indeed be able to get that screw in, but will just regret it further down the line, when something else can’t fit and there is no way back. You will have the quiet one that observes in amazement, overwhelmed and might at some point run out of the room in tears.

A couple will look annoyed, frustrated, and quietly sit down to go through the steps. They will work out how to take apart bits that were never intended to be separated again, or find creative ways to slid in something the team had forgotten to insert before. They will not be bothered by the fact that they have a couple of extra screws left over, as long as the piece feels solid, and depending on what the ultimate purpose is (hint: if it will be carrying china the tolerance level should be lower). This group will bond and laugh a little about the whole thing. They will make fun of the test and of you when they think you are not listening. There will be a leader who keeps and eye on the big picture and raises a flag when something doesn’t make sense, a handler that takes care of the logistics and one who can guide them through the intricate path, and they will naturally allow each other to reign where they have proven to be competent. They will even let the strong guy do the heavy lifting, the quiet guy hold the small parts, and the talkative guy go get coffee. These are the guys you want

See what I mean?

PS I very randomly came across this cartoon after I'd written the post and failed to find any documentation of my own process. It was in a russian blog (here) so have no idea who it is or what it is normally about. not even if the guy (girl) is the author or not. So yeah, this is my attempt at giving credit

DISCLAIMER: all genders used are TOTALLY INTERCHANGEABLE, really, they are.

on silence

2011-09-23T12:51:00.001-05:00

One of the things I miss most about mypre-kids days is silence. Not just the lack of actual noise, but the type ofsilence that lets the soul rest. I know it sounds strange, and I can’treally explain it.

Have you ever been to the desert? To the rift valley?

It’s like when the doctor tests yourhearing with that metal thing that keeps vibrating. There is no soundyet you can hear something, and it’s coming from the vibration itself. I feellike somehow all movement creates a vibration that makes noise. Even if yourears can’t hear it, your body does.

When we lived in Kenya we’d oftengo to the nature reserves for the weekend. Small resorts in the middle of nowhere with no access to phone or internet. No electricity lines, no traffic,nothing but kilometres of earth, plants, animals and silence around you. Thequality of rest that you get in a place like this is unbeatable. It was like removing a layer of dust and mud from your soul.

Unlike the Masai Mara, my home is full ofnoise. From the moment the princess wakes up (sometime after 6am) there issinging, jumping, throwing, role playing, fighting, and all to the beat of theunderlying parental tune

“don't do this, don't do that, keep itdown, hurry up….”

Like a broken record I constantlycontribute to the noise pollution by being always late, and stressing everyoneup to get there on time. After everyone has gone to bed I stay up late into the night waiting for the vibrations to stop, for the silence to return, for my body to ease up. Which of course means the next morning I wake up tired and late, and begin the day stressing to get to somewhere on time.

Last Saturday the hubs wanted to go toikea. I knew we desperately needed to go, (shelves, desks… all sortsof things that we need in order to be able to organise all the other thingsthat we need)

It didn’t matter that I knew this, I couldn'tgo. I said no. I’ll do anything, I’ll do it on my own, any day but today. Anytime but now. Saturday in ikea was more noise than my soul could take after thechaos that moving entails. I held my breath, stomped my feet and stayed in bed.

So he got dressed, and then proceeded to doa very strange thing, he dressed the kids, and took off, WITH THE KIDS.

I watched from the bed in disbelief.

And so I got my 3 hours of silence.

Bless that man

just sayin'

2011-09-21T10:02:00.002-05:00

live, work, create

2011-09-19T10:47:00.004-05:00

saw this on my morning run. what a great way to start the week

Buddhist monastery- photo post

2011-09-16T11:21:00.002-05:00

I've been clearing out boxes and filing photos... and came across some oldies that I love. This is in Vietnam, on a trip we did before knowing that we'd soon move to Cambodia, and still on the theme of zen and leaving clutter behind....

you can see more photos of Cambodia HERE, and from my asian markets series HERE

September family (self) portrait

2011-09-12T10:58:00.001-05:00

(click on image to enlarge)

I know you were expecting a photo of the chaos and the boxes, but I just had to do this one... maybe because I knew the madness was headed our way and wanted to keep memory of the days when we lived with 3 blow up mattresses, some pots and pans, and an Ikea work table for the kids. Somehow I miss those days, probably because I am submerged in all the crap that I consider necessary to survive in this world, and it is always overwhelming to see how much crap you cohabit with. It made me think of all those zen articles always banging on about living with less. Lets just say the Amish may be on to something.....

But in our house everything seems to have it's own story. There is the painting I bought from a massage parlour in Phnom Pehn. Tim's photo. the pretty Lady that really represents one of the towers at the world trade center, which we bought in Chile while they were still standing, and after a lot of negotiating with the man so that he would sells us just one, because that was all we could afford. The Buddha head my grandmother has given Trouble as a heirloom...

There is also something to that emptiness around us in the photograph. I think it somehow reflects the vacuum you feel when you are in a new place. It's particularly strange here in NY where you are so surrounded by people, and at the same time so isolated. You can envision the potential around you, you can see it like through a shop window, but cannot be a part of it yet.

to see the other months click on the links below

August family (self) portrait

2011-09-02T19:07:00.005-05:00

This was in our lovely, lovely landing pad, the day after hurricane Irene hit. I would have done it the day before but a) there was no light (it was weird that way) and b) there were tape crosses on all the windows....

like?

to see the rest of the year so far click on the links below, (January explains a little the reason behind this project)

turns out they are New yorkers at heart

2011-09-02T18:45:00.005-05:00

I’ve escaped! I’m in a cool Brooklyn bar listening to cool mellow music, sipping white wine and writing. Trust me, this in no way reflects the rest of my week. Before I started I had to check what the last post was about. That has never happened before. Irene seems like a distant memory.

So you get an idea, but a few hours ago I was sitting on a scaffolding about 13 feet up from the ground shitting myself. I was putting up frost on our windows to keep our new kitchen from looking like a shop window.

We moved out of our lovely, lovely landing pad last Wednesday, and into what will surely be a lovely apartment, but is currently echo central. Irene delayed our shipment, so we moved in with a few borrowed blow up mattresses, sheets, towels, pots and pans. I thought it would be thoroughly distressing for the kids but fortunately no, it’s just distressing for me. They seem to love whatever gets thrown their way. Me? Not so thrilled with the current state of affairs.

Never the less, and although our first ice cream outing entailed sitting next to a homeless woman, we have found some appealing things in our new hood. The kids love the public library down the block. There is a little park. Turns out our little yard has a sprinkler, and there is a place where we are hoping the princess will be doing her ballet lessons. I explained Halloween to them, they are thrilled and ask me every day when it will take place. We bumped into a construction site. Trouble was so in awe he dared not speak . Three years ago these kids were climbing trees in Cambodia. I couldn’t imagine them as city kids and did everything in my power to keep them in the field. Today the princess told me she wants to stay in NY forever. Turns out they are New Yorkers at heart.

PS trouble is wearing movie 3D glasses...

Waiting for Irene, yeah, the hurricane

2011-08-29T13:53:00.016-05:00

Friday

10 am:

During a morning playdate I find out that the city has marked forced evacuation zones, and we are about a block away from one of those lines. My friend is skipping town. I call another friend who survived the earthquake in Haiti to see how she is dealing with this oncoming natural disaster ok. She is fine but definitely more prepared than us, which is easy because so far we have done absolutely nothing to prepare for Irene.

6pm:

escaped for a coffee run and decided to buy the princess monkey shiny nail polish so that maybe she’ll stop biting her nails. The lines at the convenience store are ridiculously long so I decide to pass by again on my way back. On my return, caffeine having kicked in, I realize the cause of the lines is the incoming hurricane. Water shelves have been emptied, flashlights and batteries are sold out on most convenience stores. The fact that there is an actual hurricane coming starts sinking in. I buy as much water as I can carry back, which isn’t much.

Somewhat anxious I report back home where both my mother in law and my husband concur that I am totally over reacting, and that nothing is going to happen, even though the authorities are evacuating over 130,000 people.

9pm

Go for dinner to the old hood in Manhattan and drink my first Cosmopolitan in 6 years, which I dutifully regret the morning after. (this part is not related but hey, thought I’d rub it in). Was meaning to look for flashlights in the big bright city but totally forget.

Saturday

10 am:

wake up to our neighbour using a staple gun to lock down the garden furniture. Hubs is MIA getting his US drivers license, so the neighbour and I proceed to clear the garden and bring indoors all the small stuff that can turn into projectiles. I start feeling uneasy about the fact that we have nothing other than a few bottles of water. Still being treated like a lunatic at home. None of the flashlights we locate work. The kids are using the garden pots to bury the dinasours.

12pm:

strong winds and it’s raining pretty tough. MIL has finally understood that there is an MTA wide shut down, that people are being evacuated and that there is an actual hurricane coming. She goes into a panic and calls hubs with famous last words:

“you left two women and children behind to fend for themselves!”

hubs remains at driving lessons for another 4 hours.

1pm

two sets of friends send SMS offering their apartments for us to ride out the storm. Unconvinced I thank them but pass.

3pm:

Although there's no warning yet in place, it has been raining pretty steadily all day and children have been on lock down, so are now attempting feats worthy of spider man. MIL and myself are getting suicidal so we decide to venture out. Now that MIL is on board we join the frenzy and buy non perishable foods, candles and batteries, and then stop for ice cream and scones before the real shut down begins. Unfortunately we get kicked out as the pastries shop has decided to close early so everyone can go home before the subways and buses stop running. Around us shops are starting to close and cover their windows. The streets are still pretty crowded. Still raining.

5pm

hubs waltzes back into our lives and we realize that everything we own is sitting in a container on a NY port that is about to be hit by tidal waves and a hurricane (admittedly the two things are unrelated).

8pm:

tornado watch warning arrives. We look up in Wikipedia the definition of a tornado. What can I say, we are from Europe.

9pm

heavy winds and rain have been ongoing for several hours now. The large tree my kids climb up and down all day shakes back and forth. The light from the street is orange and eerie. Everyone goes to bed early and I slowly begin simmering and panicking, mostly regretting not being better prepared. We don’t have a battery operated radio nor do we have a car we can use in case of emergency. The downstairs neighbour, whom we’ve know for 2 weeks, has kindly given us his mobile number in case we need anything. I start doing a sloppy mix of go and emergency bag in case we do need to run. MIL has hers ready by the door.

We have filled every container in the house with water, taped the windows in case they break, closed all the shutters, charged all the phones, used towels to cover the holes around the aircon units.

Before going to bed I fill up the bathtub with water and check the news one more time. Two children have been killed by falling trees while they were inside their homes (RIP). The tree my kids climb up and down suddenly feels like this incredible menace sitting just outside our door. MIL is sleeping against a wall, hubs and I are protected by shutters while the kids are sleeping next to a large window that gives to the lovely trees on the street. I make makeshift beds on the floor of our room with the sofa cushions and drag their sleeping buts to my room.

I can’t sleep. I have this animal urge to stay alert to protect my babies should anything go wrong, and at the same time, I don’t want to miss it. The wind outside is wild, the rain hard, the light unusual. For someone who loves the rain like I do it is a beautiful site, but I can’t enjoy it fully out of fear that it might all go wrong.

Eventually, sometime past 3 am I drift off. I’m woken a few hours later with an automated message from the city emergency line warning that a tornado warning is in effect for Brooklyn and we are advised to go as low as we can and stay away from windows. Everyone around me sleeps and I hesitate for a minute…. Then of course I wake them all.

Turns out the alarm had been sent out at 4am, too tired none of us had heard the phone until 8am when everything had more or less passed. We hear nothing from the authorities so are reticent to leave the premises. The TV channels are struggling to make news out of nothing. A bit of flooding here and there, the people are out in the streets in Manhattan, even the tourists. The sun is shining.

After a couple of hours we venture out. It’s still raining lightly and there are soft gushes of wind. We come across a couple of fallen branches. The neighborhood kids colonize them while photographers snap shots of the little damage around us. Fallen leaves and branches all around. The shops begin to open.

Turns out Irene’s bark was much worse than her bite. I’m grateful even if I never hear the end of it for “over reacting” to a hurricane. I think the authorities did the right thing to prepare for the worse. I think that is their job.

But as it turns out, waiting for Irene was the most exciting part.

please don't say it'll all be alright

2011-08-25T22:16:00.009-05:00

I don’t know about you, but when the shit hits the fan, when it all goes pete tong, when the world comes crumbling down I don't want to hear you say it's all going to be alright.

I know you mean well. I know there is really little else to say, but what I really want to hear is:

“shit, that sucks big time”

is it that hard?

I know I will survive. I know there are children dying of hunger in Africa and I know that my woes pale in comparison. I don’t want to hear that. It’s bad enough that I know it, you don’t need to remind me.

Just bear with me. Listen to me. Feel sorry for me.

And please, please, whatever you do, don’t belittle my feelings. Don’t say it’ll all be ok.

Even thought we both know it will be