Sunday, January 17, 2010

Haiti on my mind

So this week it is all about Haiti. I first read about it in my pre going to bed 2am last email check up (sad but true). As with all tragedies, it is very difficult to really grasp the enormity of what has happened, and it is the details that make it come home.

I don’t have a long history with Haiti. As a matter of fact, I have never set foot in Haiti, but I was in charge of covering it from the UNICEF HQ for a few years, so I am familiar with its history, the devastation that continuous corrupt governments have brought on its people, its lawlessness, its yearly affront from nature in the form of floods and hurricanes. I was recently thinking again about Haiti because some friends of ours, Europeans of more or less the same age, with two young kids, 2 and 4, more or less the same age as ours, had decided to move there. This never came across as a good idea to me.

I continue to work in conflict countries and with children. The cause is close to my heart and to what I believe and hope can make a difference for a better world, albeit completely aware that the impact that I can have is minute, like providing a devastated beach with a handful of clean white sand. But this is what I believe in, and this is what I choose to do with my life.

Since my children were born I have tried to protect them from my lifestyle. Based in the Netherlands, they live in European luxury and security, while my husband and I travel back and forth to less fortunate parts of the world.

Of course, no one could have predicted this was going to happen. And the irony is that something like this can happen almost anywhere, for as much as you can predict floods and hurricanes in Haiti, there is no history of sysmic movement.

My friends are fine. They were in Miami at the time of the quake, family in full. Another friend had just come back from visiting her boyfriend. They too were spared. But it is through their eyes that I am somewhat able to grasp the magnitude of the disaster. It is through their posts, their tweets, their desperation to know the whereabouts of their friends and colleagues, their struggles to come to terms with how close they were to disaster, how they too could have easily been another sad statistic in this story (http://haititales.wordpress.com ). As they struggle with homelessness, uncertain futures, and the guilt of both having been spared, and worrying about what to others would seem like a best case scenario. Struggling to see how they can make a difference.

As always, life goes one, in spite of the fact that for some, this week, has ended life as they know it. That this week, in their narrative, will forever be dark and desperate. The magnitude of their pain is something that I cannot understand, and hope that I never will.

We watch on, reading the news that drip out, fearing that lawlessness will lead to hell on earth for those who have already suffered too much, so much more than their fair share.

My heart goes out to them, in the hope that the Buddist and other religious teaching are right. That they will someday see their loved ones again. That this tragedy has meaning at some higher level, and not that they all died and suffered in vain.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Alternative theater festival, final poster


This is the one they decided on. If you look closely the poster in the garbage is the one from the festival, which has another poster in the garbage from the festival, and so on ....

It was a lot of work - working with broken glass and mixing colour with B/W, a lot of stuff had to be photoshopped out....not sure it shows!

Monday, December 14, 2009

alternative theater festival

a recent comission was to come up with an image for an alternative theater festival in the south of Spain. I liked this because it was a bit of a nonesense "escher" kind of thing.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

on staying sane and other mysteries of motherhood


My mother likes to say that mother hood is not a sprint sport, but a marathon. She says this so that we try to think long term. So that we try not to get too overwhelmed on the bad days. But sometimes, knowing that this will never end (ok, it will, just not in then next 25 years or so), is its own source of stress.

I quit my job because I wanted to be present in my children’s lives. So when I have a bad mommy day, the guilt piles on. There are days when this “job” is so rewarding. When it feels so right. When you are so glad to be able to have the time, the mental space and the freedom and flexibility. But then there are days when you just feel like a total fake. I’m not working. I’m not earning my keep. And I’m also not being a good mother.

So what is a good mother? Hell if I know. How much patience makes for a good mother, how much is spoiling, how much is neglect? These are the questions I struggle with every day. There is no answer out there. As an intellectual I opt for reading. During the first years I read every book in sight. Recently, I have gone back to reading novels and books on things that are about me and what I do. So again comes the guilt. I’m not doing my job right.

I’ve recently decided to divide my time in three: 33% for being a mommy, 33% for paid and recognised work, and the last 33% to write my book and take my photos. There is of course the flaw that there is not time designated there for my partner. Maybe I could sneak him in the first bit as “dada” but the truth is that I use a lot of the time for myself as well. That is another one of the problems.

I am a relatively independent person and somewhat of a loner. At least I used to be, before I would have company even to go to the toilet. (although I put my foot down at pooping in company, no matter how good that company is). So when the kids go to bed, and after dinner with my husband, the only time of the day we have together, the house becomes quiet, everyone is in bed, and my castle is once again my kingdom.

It doesn’t matter how tired I am, I am unable to give this time up. It is MY time, alone, when nobody questions what I am doing, what I am eating, its just me and the silence. I am able to stretch this time quite a bit, into the early hours. Sometimes I get some work done, but the truth is that usually I am too tired to be of any use, so I turn the TV on, and watch crap, and I love watching this crap. And I really savour these moments. Except, then the wake up call arrives between 5 and 6 am. Early rise, assuming nobody got sick or missed mommy during the night. One or two midnight awakenings are a norm, so in short, after a few years of this, I am a wreck. I am so tired I cant seem to get anything done day or night. Which makes for a pretty bad mommy and a pretty bad artist, the only thing that gets done is paid work. I guess just like society, I value that more. Maybe not value, but clearly, I respect it more. There is a deadline, there are consequence if you are not ready, not done in time. So it gets done. Everything else can wait. The kids always get their fair share too. It just never feels like its enough because they always want more. Actually, I am pretty sure that the more time I spend with them the more the cry (literally) for more.

So here I am, trying to be good at some thing, trying to focus my life again. To get back on track.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Khartoum, The Sudan

July 5 2009,

A sand storm makes the windows whistle loudly. Even inside the apartment my eyes get full of dust if I stand too close to a window. You can look straight at the sun, the red sky and a perfectly round white ball stares back. People walk in the streets below while the trees shake. It is 40 degrees, sunny and dusty in Khartoum.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Snaefells glacier, Iceland


just came back from the most amazing wedding plus ceremony on the top of Snaefells glacier. it really would be hard to compete, so glad am already married! after a more traditional religious wedding (perked up with live singing from both the bride with the assist of a piano, and the groom with his quartet... which included the priest), followed by a stroll of the entire wedding party from the church to the drink garden, by the lake, with flame throwers and bubble throwers (can you call them that?).


a more traditional icelandic dinner affair which included calf's brain and whale, and hours of speaches (what an absolutely poetic and musical language!) and a grand finale of a more spiritual and non denominational ceremony that saluted the earth, and that invited all those present to unite their female and male parts (ying and yang), to say their vows, to let go, to unite, all of this on top of the Snaefells glacier, supposedly one of the 6 energy points of the earth. a most spectacular finale