Thursday, July 13, 2017

beasts within and the merry go round

Fear, anxiety, vertigo.
A black hole opens inside me with no previous warning.
Just the music from the merry go round reminding me of my demons.
Reminding me of the dark hole at my center where beasts live.
beasts that must be appeased, sang to and distracted,
Beasts with a never ending desire for blood,
my blood.

Night falls. The heavy traffic stops,
and with the silence comes fear.
Maybe she was there all along, but it is only now I can hear her.
Quietly she whispers possibilities into my ear
‘Anything can and will happen.
Any day, any moment can be the last
 of life, as you know it.’

Holding her hand is gratefulness.
For every breath and every mundane routine.
Every memory made and not wasted.
She is dancing to the music of the merry go round.
‘dance’ she sais to me ‘dance while we still have feet and a ground to stand on’

Morning comes with a bitter aftertaste of too much wine
Which I don’t remember tasting.
Coffee and biscuits dipped in a nagging feeling of something left undone,
of lives unlived and dreams that must be forgotten.
Anchors raised, the boat is left to wonder at the mercy of the sea.
No more resistance.

Washed away by the morning tide, all trace of dancing has been erased.
The smell of regret lingers on my fingers like old cigarettes.
I don’t remember what I regret,
but close my eyes and breathe in deep the smell of the sea.
The cool morning breeze mixed with memories wraps around me.
In the distance I can hear the sound of life going about its business,
cleaning dishes or taking out the garbage,
disturbing the silence which is trying to speak to me, to remind me.
Of what? I know not

An ever so light memory of the music lingers in the air
For the most part the day is silent now, the beasts appeased.
They’ll come again unannounced and without prior warning.
In the meantime, and without knowing quite why,
 I get up and keep on dancing