Wednesday, November 5, 2014

So sad

We were in a little limbo we call up state New York. Only half hour away yet a completely different world. A cocoons of sorts that doesn’t smell, look or feel like New York, and as such provides a cleansing effect on the senses. We were sleeping at a friends house and had stayed up too late catching up on life’s little happenings over one too many bottles of wine. I was woken up by their youngest who, in a sweet, soft, quiet voice was  saying “it’s so sad. So, so, so, so sad”

At the time my main concern was that one of mine might have caused  the sadness. So I dutifully got up to take part in the matter. I never got to find out what had happened nor who was responsible. Yet these days I often find myself hearing his soft spoken words in my head: “It’s sad. So, so sad”. There was something about the quietness and softness in which he said it that was able to really communicate the full emotion of the statement. There was a certain amount of defeat and acceptance that made it even sadder. If it were a photograph, I would use it to show others what “sad” feels like. But it was a sound, so I struggle to define it.

Often these days, dealing with the heart ache of the meangirl infestation, I find myself muttering those same words, softly and quietly inside my head. Because nothing can better describe the feeling that not being able to protect my daughter instils in me. Not being able to lift her burdens. Smack her oppressors. Come flying in and saving her from the pain.  It just makes me sad. So, so sad.