on the old new years resolution "I'll never eat again"

You know how during the holidays you always eat and drink too much and you swear that right after they finish you are going to go on a diet, a detox, or never eat again?

Well, this year the hubs and I actually stuck to it, and we are currently undertaking a two week detox program.

We are just trying to clean out our bodies, so it’s pretty simple really: no crap.

Which means no red meat, no dairies (except lean natural yogurt, which is meant to be really good for your stomach), no fizzy drinks or sweets, fish only two times a week and, more importantly, no coffee, no wine (alcohol) and no chocolate.

Which means yes vegetables, pulses, fruits, wholewheat cereals, nuts and dried fruits. It also means no frying, and a max of two spoons of olive oil a day.

Oh, and yes green tea. Not sure how that got in there, but apparently that was a deal breaker with the hubs, who normally drinks about 8 espressos a day.

The detox includes a 24 hour fast (only liquids), followed by a salt water cleanse in the middle of it.

The second week starts today, and this is the report so far:

Day one:

Wake up with an overwhelming desire to have my morning latte. It is not the caffeine that I crave. I know that because I gave it up for a while for my homeopathic treatment and couldn’t have cared less. It’s a psychological addiction to that large, warm cup that takes me from breakfast, to sending the monkeys off to school, to reading my incoming mail. (it is a very large cup).

Apart from the desire to eat chocolate, sweets, coke, fried eggs and other things, I feel normal, which is a disappointment as I expected to feel more energetic.

Day two:

Wake up with an overwhelming desire to have my morning latte.

Dress the kids, send No. 1 off to school, and fall asleep while No. 2 is drinking his bottle on my lap. Send No. 2 off to school, do some work, pick No. 2 up, eat (boiled potato with salmon), then put No.2 down for his nap and fall asleep with him.

After picking up No1. from school in the afternoon I fall asleep, and wake up to what I can only assume is a delayed coffee withdrawal headache.

Off to bed early because I can’t eat anything fun and life is just not worth living this way.

Day three:

Wake up with an overwhelming desire to have my morning latte.

Dress the kids, send No. 1 off to school, and fall asleep while No. 2 is drinking his bottle on my lap. Send No. 2 off to school, and then actually crawl back into bed and fall asleep for the next two hours. Barely work, pick up No. 2, eat and put him down for his nap, I proceed to fall asleep as he wonders off to play. Pick No. 1 up from school and complain to other mom’s about how this damn detox diet is making me even more of a wuss.

Day Four:

Wake up thinking about my morning latte, but it’s like an old boyfriend I’m almost over.

Finally I feel normal again. I have energy and can get a normal day through. Except the fast starts today. I have a last minute herring (which according to the book on nutrition I am currently reading to motivate me is one of the best fish on the planet), and the fasting begins.

The most surprising thing for me is that at no point during those 24 hrs did I feel hunger. Which you have to admit is kind of bizarre. I lived on vegetable stock, orange juice and the water from boiling 3 apples (in order to up the sugar intake).

We went to bed particularly early, and both struggled to fall sleep. I was aiming to sleep into late afternoon, but all too early I had to go for my cup a green tee with no hope of anything to follow it afterwards. Both me and the hubs were edgy and snapped easily at the children. Unaware that you do not take vitamins on an entirely empty stomach, I then proceeded to vomit all the stock and tea that I had consumed.

Day four was a lost day. We spent most of it in the car trying to avoid the kids, (for their sake) and life in general. In the afternoon I had to cycle 20 minutes (there, and another 20 back) to take No.1 to a birthday party, and struggled to get back through the cold and windy streets.

The salt water flush, where you take one quart of luke warm water with two spoons of sea salt on an empty stomach, is meant to be a safe way to clean the pipes from top to bottom. So I proceeded to do that, which was probably the highlight of the day, at least activity wise as I could not get to the WC fast enough.

I thought that when the 24 hrs. were over I would jump on anything that moved and was edible (or not moved…, so just edible), but the 24 hours came and went and we were both hanging around, like waiting for something to happen.

We had planned to have a nice fish meal that evening to celebrate, but then we found out that to break a fast you should do one only fruit meal for every 24hrs, so Saturday night (yes, it was a Saturday night), 27 hrs later, we feasted on three boiled apples (left over from my water) and some yogurt.

After the fast the diet no longer feels like a diet. I don’t feel particularly energetic or healthy, but it is true that the zits on my face are disappearing, and the hubs claims I have a glow.

My stomach is still a little edgy, and I seem to get full a lot faster than before.

I’ve also re-started yoga sessions, (aaaaaauuuuuummmmmmm) and am seriously considering another retreat before getting back on the wheel of life, (there has to be an upside to all this healthy living crazy fad)