Day 6: 11 things 2013 does not need

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Day 5: shouldda, wouldda, couldda

I should have said no to doing the December challenge.

I should have said no to the interview this morning.

I should have said no to that second job during the summer,  and to doing that "sample" before the holidays.

I should have definitely said no to doing a 5 day green juice fast.

I should have said no ...

shouldda, wouldda, couldda

sometimes you should have said no, but other times, if you had said no, you would have missed out.

shouldda, wouldda, couldda

you never know which way life is going to take you.

Day 4: on healing....

This year there was a lot of trying to heal ... and failing. Rather than drip by drip it was blow by blow.

So I hope to overcome this and develop a healthier relationship with my body again. 

I wrote this as a guest post  a year ago, but it's still the best way to try to look at it. I just need to get there again...

 Ever since I can remember I’ve had fragile health.

I get sick often, I get strange diseases (like whooping cough), I have low blood pressure and used to faint; adding insult to injury, my teeth would break when I fainted. My period hurts (before, during and after), I have asthma, chronic rhinitis, I’m allergic to animals, dust, pollen and most fruits. I have a life threatening allergy to hazelnuts, and just about every bug available in the developing world.

I’m the youngest of four, so I always used to joke to my mom that for me she had just used all the left over scrap. I loved that joke because she always tried to convince me otherwise, which is hilarious.

Most of my friends consider me a wonder of nature, and a miracle that I survive my job as an aid worker. I try to exercise, eat healthy (with the exception of my sweet tooth), vitamins, yoga, reiki, homeopathy, iridiology - you name it, I’ve tried it.

As a consequence I’ve always looked down on my body. I considered myself a strong woman trapped in this weakling body which felt like it belonged, or should belong, to someone else.

Then last summer I was down with something or other and I took the opportunity to tease my mom about the junk yard scrap. For once, instead of defending herself from this ridiculous accusation, she turned to me very seriously and said: “perhaps you were not supposed to have survived."

Let me put this in context. My mother started bleeding when she was six months pregnant with me. Not “staining” but bleeding - soaking towels wet, one after the other. Her doctor informed her she had lost her child and that she needed to come into the hospital in order to remove whatever remained in her womb.

She said no.

Which in hindsight was hugely irresponsible. She had three small children (3, 4 and 6 years old). If I’d been there, I would have dragged her to the ER myself.

But she held on and a few days later the doctor confirmed that the baby was growing, and therefore still alive. The only way they could explain what had happened was to assume there had been twins and only one had survived.

I’ve always known this story.

Because it was never proven it remains one of those half-myths, but on that summer day, the way my mom presented it to me completely altered the way that I look at my body now. I used to think it was weak and faulty, but now I think of it is a survivor. It might not be the strongest, but hell, it held on, it pulled through. And it has ever since whatever life and chance have thrown its way.

Day 3 December Challenge, what to hold on to and when to let go...

Her PJs are too short. Her shoes too small. Her sleeves no longer reach her wrist, and that is just the beginning.

My baby girl is no longer a baby and, as predicted, I no longer have to worry if  she sleeps through the night  or falls from her crib. And thought that is a relief, suddenly the potential "falls" seem higher. I have to begin worrying  if she will be bullied or left out. If she will succeed academically.  If she might be approached on the street or the internet.  The world feels too big and I feel the sudden urge to  bring her back into the  crib where I can watch over her. 

The kids have entered a really special time. I used to think that babies were the best years, now I realize that it really does keep getting better. Overnight conversations have  taken a turn. They are more colorful and complex. They are starting to wonder about the world and actively deciding how and where to stand in it. They are asserting their independence, at the same time they still think I am "the bestest." That certainly  won't last long! 

The baby-child is slipping away  and I want to savour every second I've got left.

before becoming a butterfly, the caterpillar must go through the awkward stage of being a chrysalis.

In regards to  what to let go of... I've really been struggling with this one. Going through the prompts I've come to realize that I hold a lot of resentment towards my body. I hope to let go of that. 

Day 2 December Challenge: sound

I like the sound of rain, and the silence that comes with snow. 

I like the sound of heavy small feet approaching.

I like the sound that skype makes, you know someone you care about is calling. 

I like christmas carrolls

and I am absolutely obsessed with this song. 

 I heard it once on the pilot of Nashville and have not been able to stop singing to it since. It is originally by the Civil Wars, but this version is much better.

I dare you to listen to it just once....

December Positive reflections, Day 1

Here's the first:

December 1:One Word (Written by Gwen Bell): Encapsulate the year 2012 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2013 for you? (to see 2011's click here)

My word for 2012 has to be "marathon." It just felt like one constant run where I barely got a change to come up for air (which is why I chose the jellyfish as  the photo to represent it). There was just too much stuff going on. A lot of great stuff, some bad stuff too, but most of the time life looked out of focus, with the background sound being "pant, pant, pant"

pant pant pant

for 2013 the word I would choose is "transformation." I've reached a point where the status quo does not suit me anymore. I need change, I need to move on to the next step, a new step, a new layer.   It's time to rock things up. 

December Positive Reflections, or December challenge

Reverb was started in 2010 by Gwen Bell. It was meant as a  daily writing practice that focused on examining the previous year and sending out reverberations for a positive year ahead. 

So, the idea is: you get a prompt a day, and write and execute what the prompt is about-either on your blog, your journal, paint it, whatever.

it's now developed into a rather free-form art. We did it here last year.  Truth be told, it ended up being a bit stressful having to write every day while on a very special family holiday. So, not entirely sure how I'm going to approach it  this year. I do promise this: I will set up a prompt every morning for the next 31 days so that even if I don't do it, you can. I will put it on my facebook page. As always, feel free to share here or on the  OnSanity facebook page. It's kind of nice to get feedback. But no worries if you'd rather just do it in your head