On Motherhood & Sanity


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dispatches from Limbo


As her smile begins to turn sour from the realization that this game does not end well, I take my queue, blow her a kiss and drive away.

It is such a strange feeling, going no where for no particular reason. Ten minutes into what will be a two hour drive through the green musty fields of Holland, an undefined weight lifts from my shoulders. For the next three days I will only have to worry about me: just me, my body, my mind, my writing…. It is such a simple concept yet I struggle to understand it. Soon a little voice in the back of my head starts to admonish me,

“you are leaving your kids behind for this? To go get massages, do yoga, write your book which you can do anywhere.. What kind of mother are you?”

just as I am starting to feel uncomfortable another voice proudly replies

“yeah baby, you rock girl!”

I raise the volume on the car radio and try to ignore them both, as they continue to argue for a little while.

I’ve been away from my children before, but not “just because.” There is usually work, and I try to pack it in to minimize my days away, so usually, there is little time for myself, every minute is accounted for. This time there is no agenda.

It was once like this, before they came along, and I always enjoyed my time alone, but it has been so long that I wonder what it will be like, if I will get bored, if three days will be too long.

As I begin to panic I get an SMS from my husband back at the rooster. It reads:

“you deserve every minute of it”

and then I count my blessing and almost want to turn the car around and drive back home to them.


Almost.


I’m in a farm surrounded by ducks, geese and peacocks. There’s a lady that comes every now and then and dips me in oil. I don’t wash it off, I don’t have to, I’m not seeing anyone, I’m not going anywhere. Another lady brings me vegetarian food and chats. I kick her out as quickly as I can, sit down to my computer and eat while the fire place warms the room. I’m in limbo, in some sort of alternate universe where I can sleep in, eat and write without having to decide who hit who first and who gets to go to the corner. I don’t have to worry about the stove or the lights that need fixing. There are things pending, things I half expected to do from here…. but lets face it, you cant call the bank from limbo, the charges alone, the spiritual ones I mean, its not worth it, plus my head seems to believe that the world ends where the fog ends, and nothing beyond that really exists.

I think limbo, a couple of days in limbo, are good for everyone’s soul.

6 comments:

Diana said...

Enjoy every minute of it!!!!!!!!
You will be the same great mom when you return home, or even better if possible.

Lisa Rouissi said...

Exactly, enjoy enjoy enjoy! Looking forward to hearing more about your book.

Muddling Along Mummy said...

Good on you

Enjoy every well deserved minute of it

angelica said...

thanks y'all!

Veronica said...

Hi A!

I read, and I tought the same toughts that you wrote later on the text (funny)! I am ocassionally here at your blog. But I always identify with you in so many levels... I always want also to leave a comment....but there is no time. WELL, well there is TIME if we want it.
So good to hear that you took TIME for yourself... enjoy and please let us know more about it.

Hugs,

V

angelica said...

thanks for stopping by V, and for making time to leave a comment... I know we always running, but it's really appreciated